Visiting a Valley Today and Not By Choice

I remember a day when I could multitask and handle a million things going on at once.  I could organize my way through it, utilizing all my resources and strength.  With each day that goes by it becomes even more evident that I am not that same person.  I feel I have been reduced to almost a child like mind that easily gets over stimulated, tired, and doesn't have the capacity to multitask much less handle more than one thing going on at a time.  When too many things come at me I buckle and collapse.  Gone are the days of strength, efficiency, and accomplishment.
Today I have buckled.  I've hit a low spot where I don't know what to do and I'm crying just hoping someone will pick me up and hold me and tell me everything will be okay....they will take care of it.  I am at such a place in my life where I'm trying to hold it together and look like the adult I'm supposed to be and am relied on to by my family and am expected to be by society. But inside I am in survival mode just yearning and screaming for someone to take care of me...like a child looks to a parent...only there is no parent...not physically here on earth.  Is this how an orphan feels? Once again I am looking for a human being to meet my needs...just like a child.  As I write this I feel God saying over and over, "I am your Father.  I will take care of you. I will hold you and tell you everything will be okay if you will just trust me. I am here."  Why can't I just rest in that?  Why do I consistently look for human help when my heavenly Father can help me in ways no human can?  I yearn for peace....only He can give that.  I scream for healing....only He can do that.  I yell for understanding....He knows and understands it ALL.  I want answers...He has them ALL.  I get all that but the child in me yells, "but I want them all NOW" because I feel my world is spinning out of control and fallin apart and I'm scared of the unknown...but He is in control of the unknown because its not unknown to Him.  Is this the lesson I'm to learn, one of the many reasons God has me on the journey through Lyme?  I will never forget the day He met me on the couch and the massive realization I had that day.  So, why when I am hit with more can I not just lay there and let Him take care of me, rub my forehead and tell me it will all be okay?  I keep asking myself, "what is He doing through all this?  What is His purpose?  What will He use it for?"....whatever it is I don't believe I have the strength to see it through.  What if I fail?  "I will if I don't cling to HIM" is the answer I hear in my head.  It is so difficult to be still and wait.  I have always felt better if I can actively be doing something about the very thing bothering me.  I have never been one to sit still and wait.  Then that is to say I have never sat still and waited on God.  
Our journey is full of a lot of hills and steep climbs but is some of the difficulty because we make the journey difficult by not trusting the guide?  I panic if I see an ant hill, or poison ivy, and I am fearful of the hills ahead and feel faint at the sight of the mountain  ahead that I need to climb to get home.  I am quick to say, "I can't do this!" or "this is impossible" or "how am I going to do this?" as if the guide has never been through this trip before.  Do I actually think the ant hill, poison ivy and hill and mountain are bigger then the guide?  Why am I so quick to panic and start looking for "solutions" my own way, totally oblivious to the guide standing there saying, "follow me, I've done this before."
My "ant hills" today were little annoyances like not being able to get the phone company to hook up our internet and we have been in the house for two weeks.  And feeling like I am always cold and can't get warm but don't want to turn the heat up in fear of the electric bills....and then we lose electricity today for over an hour.  And trying to still get us unpacked and "settled" so I can find things.  My "poison ivy" is the office still  in disarray and I need to pull together files and information to work on taxes...oh, but my CPA is no longer doing taxes and, turbo tax who I would go through, has more complaints then accolades on this years software.
But it was the sight of the "hills ahead" that caused me to completely crumble today.  My "mountain ahead" is the Lyme disease.  I am so thankful (though I have to remind myself of this as it gets lost in the fainting of the hills ahead) that we finally have an answer to what it is that has been eating at me (literally) for more than 10 years.  This alone is answer to prayer.  Its equivalent to being on a journey and not knowing where you are going for 10 years and then finally being told what journey you signed up for.  With this mountain are the hills that lead up to it.  One of my "hills ahead" is the restrictive diet I need to be on and the cravings I have.  I know my lack of "fun" foods is not helping my attitudes and moods.  My other "hills" include hours and days spent in doctor's offices, and the amounts of pills I have to take, and the cost of these pills and doctor's visits.  I hit a big "hill" today when I found out that one of the antibiotics I was prescribed (1 of 3 I will be on) is not covered by insurance and it will cost $1077.00 for 28 days and I will be on this antibiotic indefinitely.  Then I kept getting wacked in the head by trees and falling debris...a.k.a. we can't afford it, can't find manufacturer's website for financial assistance, everywhere else I look for patient financial assistance either disqualifies me because its "Lyme" or Chris makes too much money (his salary isn't below the poverty line), or because of the actual drug.  As I'm hit by trees and falling debris I discover my ant beds (i.e. no internet to be able to research my options) and the emotions snowball out of control...totally oblivious to the guide standing there...waiting for me to call on Him for help.  That was until I began to type this.  And then, with each question I typed in effort to express and release my frustration, I heard a response in my soul.  I know my ant hills, poison ivy, hills and mountains are not too big for Him.  I know they won't be easy.  They aren't figured out or solved and I haven't conquored them yet.  I do know that He is always with me and He is waiting on me to call upon Him for help.  He is my guide and if I follow Him the journey will be less painful.  I still have to travel this journey but it will be easier if I follow Him who has done it before and knows where the journey is going then to go my own way and try to figure it out on my own.